Movies by Memory: Valentine's Day Edition

Being a person that hasn't really enjoyed Valentine's Day since elementary school when I would over analyze the Valentines given to me by the boys in the class - "This one says 'You've Transformed my Heart.'"  Ryan picked this specific Transformers Valentine for me, he loves me!!

Well, since my elementary school days are over, I now celebrate this holiday by watching movies where people die... That's normal, right?  However, I decided to celebrate a little differently this year- instead of watching a slasher horror flick... I decided to watch a very awesome, highly under rated movie, xXx.

Although xXx sounds like a porno, it is actually an epic action movie staring Vin Diesel... which for my 15 year old self was porn (I seriously had this photo on my binder).  The plot of which I have no recollection of - Vin Diesel was an x-criminal who is hired by Sam L to find some stolen secret government machine or something... Mostly, all I remember is that at one point he punches a submarine and yells "welcome to the Xander Zone."  Which is apparently all you need to do to render a submarine useless.

The movie starts out with this Conan O'Brien look-alike stealing a computer chip and getting killed by some Russians, because Russians hate Conan.

(He does look a little like Conan, right?)

This transitions nicely into a scene were Vin steals a congressman's Corvette and drives it off a bridge while filming a podcast and parachuting to safety.  Basically, Vin is X-treme (see what I did there...)!

Sam L comes in and tells Vin (badass) that in order to stay out of the cage and be a wild lion (badass) he needs to do whatever Sam L says.  I think there is an analogy or something there, but because of all the bad-ass-ness it may have been a little lost on me.  Just so there is no confusion, Sam L (badass) is also a badass (badass).

Vin gets sent to the Czech Republic and continues to be a badass.  Except now he does it while wearing a fur coat.

He gets in good with the Russian bad guys because they also like to wear coats with no shirt under them.

It must be some badass fashion statement.  The shirtless coat wearing is followed by Vin doing some necessary stunts, such as (but not limited to) grinding down a rail on a silver serving tray and making sure to pose pretty while jumping a bike over a wall and shooting at bad guys...

Then Vin find out the bad guys have a submarine that shoots a biological weapon that will kill everyone.

Did I mention that this biological weapon is a lava lamp rocket?  Also, look at these extras.  Great casting.

In a no-way-relevant-to-my-summary-of-the-plot-point:  Check out these sweet death gauges.

Things happen, such as large explosions and bad Russian accents and bad-ass-ness... And then Vin punches a submarine while yelling "welcome to the Xander Zone" and saving the world.

"Welcome to the Xander Zone!"

And, there you have it.

Finally, just because I am sure you are all saddened by the lack Vin Diesel in your life as of lately, I have some great news for you!  Sit down and prepare to calm yourself... I just looked it up and Vin will be starring in another sequel to both xXx and Fast and Furious!  I plan on being there opening day.

What Ever Happened to Miss Cleo?

The other day I was sitting around thinking about life and wishing that I knew of an 800 number to call where someone with a foreign accent would help me make decisions.  Then I remembered Miss Cleo.  Unfortunately she is not around for me to consult with on my current relationship issues, but I do remember her fondly.  If you were a child in the 90's, as I was, then you probably remember infomercials like these:

But what ever happened to Miss Cleo?  Is she still around? Did she go bankrupt?  Did she die?  And wouldn't she have seen all of that coming?

I decided to do a little research and hunt down Miss Cleo to find out whatever happened to her.  Fortunately for my short attention span that meant a brief trip to Wikipedia.

Miss Cleo was charged with fraudulent advertising and billing and being born in LA instead of Jamaica, so she took her $13.5million and started her own company in Florida where she will bless your house or perform your wedding ceremony or feed your cat while you're out of town.  Basically this story is a lot less anticlimactic than I had hoped for.

The most exciting thing that she has done since 2002 is create a slam poetry-esque CD titled Convicted for My Beliefs that consists only of spoken word.  As hard as I tried I couldn't find a sample or even a link to purchase the album, all I could find was an article interviewing Miss Cleo about her (epic) recordings.

I miss Miss Cleo.  Mostly I just wanted to write "miss Miss."

I love Sean Connery.

If there is one thing that you should know about me, it is that I will forgive any wrong committed against me if I am presented with a whole pineapple or a pair of keds (I wear size 8.5).  If there is a second thing you should know about me it is that I will always throw scissors when playing Rock-Paper-Scissors. I also love Sean Connery.

I remember the moment that I fell in love with Sir Sean Connery.  I was 11 years old and watching an amazing film featuring Sean.  Upon the conclusion of this film I was so touched my his miraculous acting that I shed a single tear that was then followed by sobs and crying and my friend mocking me yelling "OH my goodness, I've never seen you cry before!!!"  The movie: Dragonheart (I also think this is where my love for Dennis Quaid started).  


Although you don't get to see Sean in this movie, you get to listen to him... which is 1/2 of Sir Sean Connery's attractiveness...

The other half of his attractiveness comes from the eyebrows and magical forehead wrinkles.

Many people love Sean Connery as the original James Bond.

I love him for that and for whatever this is....

A very credible source reported that "Sean Connery was once offered the lead role in The Passion of the Christ, but turned it down because he was tired of being type-cast as 'The Savior of All Mankind.'"


I love Sean Connery for so many reasons!  The voice. The eyebrows.  The SNL skits.  But mostly it's because he isn't afraid to slap a bitch.

Movies by Memory

I recently moved back home with my parents (that's right, 24 and living with my parents) and reorganized my childhood room... There are a few things that you should know about me... I am a bit of a hoarder and I can be, at times, childish.

I found this awesome box.

And do you want to know what is in it?

Yes, every movie ticket that I can remember buying.  I am a hoarder.

And now it is time for.... (drum roll please)... Movie Reviews by Memory! Memory! Memory! (that was an echo)

Disturbia starring Shia LeBouf.  That I apparently didn't have to pay to see.  And I was late for... oh movie ticket, you are sharing so much about me right now!

In Disturbia Shia plays some high schooler who gets put on house arrest because he misbehaved in school or something... which seems a little harsh, but he lives in the suburbs where gang involvement is a big issue so they can't be too careful!  While at home he gets board and makes a tower made of twinkies, stalks his attractive neighbor, has an Asian friend with an awesome ring tone, and starts stalking his less attractive neighbor who be believes to be a murderer.  Things happen, funny and otherwise, and in the end the neighbor is a murderer.

I remember I went to see this movie because I have a "thing" for Shia LeBouf.  Which goes against every crush standard that I have ever set for myself - which is actually only one - to be able to pronounce said crush's last name... seriously, how do you say that? Le-buff? Le-Boof? No one knows! Anyway, he did a good job, and I do actually think that Shia is a good actor. 

 My reservations about this movie come from the message it sends that spying on your neighbor if you think that they might be a serial killer is okay.  Because it is not.  I learned that lesson when I was 11 and had the cops called on me while I was playing detective sneaking around neighbor's houses and looking in windows for clues of their deviant lives.  Just like Shia, I had suspicions about my possible murderous neighbors - however, I got in trouble for my investigations and he got rewarded!  And I didn't even have any priors from acting out in school!  Psshh... movies can be so unrealistic sometimes!

Don't Do This at Home: Play Lotto Like Hurley

I played the lotto for the first time in my 24 years of life this week.  I drove to work on Tuesday and my morning radio show told me about the Mega Millions lotto for $350mil... By the end of the day I had convinced myself that I would win... I had decided that I would buy $3 in lotto tickets - one with the numbers of my choosing, one randomly selected ticket, and one with the numbers that Hurley played in LOST.

So.. I drove home thinking about how I would spend my millions and got pretty excited to become a millionaire.  I told my mom about how I was going to build a house with a secret room behind a book shelf in the library and how I would keep my crappy Honda because that is unexpected or ironic or something that Alanis Morissett could write a song about... So my mom and I drove to Fred Meyer and filled out our tickets and went to buy them, but gasp!  The computer told us it was too late.  I will admit, I am a procrastinator, but it was 7:30 and the drawing was at 8:00!  I had a half hour!  I drove home thinking that it probably wasn't meant to be, but also about how devastated I would be if they drew numbers and I would have won.

Wanna know what numbers were drawn?  4, 8, 15, 25, 47 - 42 ...look familiar?

                                                                 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 - 42

I would have matched 4 out of 6! Mind you, that was only $150... but that's $150 that I don't have now!  I was pretty upset until someone reminded me that I probably wouldn't want to win with those numbers due to all the horrible things that happened to Hurley...

Hurley bought a sneaker factory that burned down killing it's workers - I wouldn't have had enough money to buy a factory... but I probably would have bought sneakers, and they probably would have burnt down and killed some factory workers or something...  Hurley also bought a fried chicken restaurant that was hit with a meteorite, I could have been hit by a meteorite! ...or eaten bad fried chicken!

I decided that I was okay with not getting my $150 with the 41,763 other people who played those numbers... could you imagine if those numbers hit the jackpot - 41,763 people would be really excited and then really upset when they realized that they had to split the pot and would only get about $9,000 each.

In this concluding paragraph I would like to point out that I wanted this post to be more amusing, but I am going to use the excuse that I have a headache to explain it's mediocrity.  Sorry about that. But maybe this will make up for it.

Obligatory OMG First Blog Post!

I'm sick.  I have a cold and I have the week off from work because my boss is on vacation.  This is important to note for two reasons: 1. I think that it is worse to be sick when you have time off because I feel like I am wasting all of my "fun time." 2.  Since I am off work I have nothing else to do but to lay in bed all day and watch movies and TV and feel sorry for myself.

When I am sick I have a small attention span... therefore I can only watch movies featuring Nicholas Cage, Dennis Quiad, or Dwain Johnson, who will forever be "The Rock" to me because I am actually one of those super strange people who watched wrestling... but it was only for a little while in like the ninth grade. Stop judging me.  

I know that this is probably a little much for you to take in right now.  You're probably thinking "girl's first blog post and she's airing her dirty laundry of loving wrestling and actors who's quality of movies are considered 'ehhh' among the masses?"  First off, like I said, wrestling was just a phase -you know like that experimental phase you had in college with Becky.  Second, I didn't say I love these movies, I just said that when I am sick it is all I have the attention span for.  So... let me tell you a little bit about a few of the movies I have watched the last few days.  Also, you should know that currently Con Air is on in the background.

Let's start with The Rock's recent animated feature Planet 51.

In this movie, The Rock is an American astronaut who crash lands on another planet and gasp! is considered a scary alien by the people on this planet!  Do you get it?  It's clever because the green guys that we consider aliens are scared of humans and think that they are aliens and funny alien adventures, perspective is funny. 

 So, I am sure that there is supposed to be some message in this movie for kids about acceptance or wearing sunscreen or something... but I want to focus on something else - why don't the aliens have pants?  And more importantly, why is the lady alien wearing a skirt?  Are we to assume that only female aliens have genitals?  Or is this a nod to our past of women's skirt wearing oppression? Or perhaps a glimpse into our future where men will become too lazy to wear pants?  I don't know, but whatever it is, it bothers me.... but not as much as it bother's me to be forced to listen to The Rock's voice without getting to see his sweet, sweet face.

I chose that photo because of his sweet jacket.

*Spoiler Allert*

Next, and apparently sticking to an alien theme, Knowing. 

Ohhh, Nick (I can call him Nick because we're close like that), you make such great movies.  In Knowing, Nick plays a physicist who's son comes across a paper full of numbers from a time capsule and these numbers predict every major disaster of past and future ending in one that is supposed to kill everyone.  Nick is going to try and stop it or something, but then finds out that his son is talking to aliens or something... Anyway, it ends with these two little kids and two rabbits being beamed up by aliens to restart the planet right before a solar flair kills Nick and the the world.  Again, I'm assuming that there is supposed to be a message here, probably the one about wearing sunscreen again, but I'll tell you what I was distracted by.

Out of all people with a receding hairline, isn't Nick's the best?!  Truthfully any thing that has Nick in it is distracting because of the awesomeness that exudes from Nick.  Also, you should look at this awesome website!

Lastly, Legion featuring Dennis Quad.

Legion is not about aliens... it is about angels.  God is pissed at mankind so he decides it is Apocalypse time and his weapon of choice is a legion of angels to kill this baby that is mankind's last hope. The Archangel, Michael, falls to earth to save the baby and scary things happen, such as people turning into spider like people and evil children.  Then Michael's brother, Gabriel, comes to kill the baby.  Michael and Gabriel fight, Michael wins stating something like "You did what God wanted, I did what He needed." ie: restore his faith in humanity.  

Again, they are in the desert and there is a part where this guy's skin boils off, so I'm going to go ahead and say that the message in this movie is also about wearing sunscreen.  Honestly, if there was anything more than that I couldn't follow it due the the attractive cast that I was constantly trying to remember what else I've seen them in (Paul Bettany, Lucas Black, Kevin Durand, Adrianne Palicki, and Tyrese Gibson).

And of course, the great Dennis Quaid, who I love because he has been in such great films as... well... watch this clip and then try and tell me you don't love him - Dennis Quaid on Ellen.

Although according to Rotten Tomatoes, the three of these movie's combined ratings is 75... I enjoyed them in my cough medicine induced state... Also, I do have to admit that I have an unhealthy love for all three of these men... but maybe I'll talk about that another day...

I am going to go take more medicine now and watch another really classy movie.  Hope you have a happy New Year.  I'll leave you with this.  You're welcome.